My Mid-Life "Writis"

About 5 months ago, I was talking to my neurologist about struggles I have had with memory loss. I always thought it was a complication of brain surgery I had to have when I was 20. Turns out, it’s likely that I wasn’t losing memories, I was never really storing them. That, along with multiple other boxes checked, has me getting screened for autism, and the more I talk with my doctors, my friends and others who have been diagnosed with ASD, the more I’m accepting it. Yeah, I’m likely autistic. One of the classic symptoms I had has a child was with interoception.

I’m not going to lie here, I grew up just outside of lower class. My parents, primarily my father, were very much “work first” regarding what dominated their lives, especially once I was old enough to be left alone for an hour, then two.

I have no real episodic memory of childhood before the surgery either. I ate when I was given food at night, I drank when juice or water before bed. I hated most of the food, but I got the classic “Finish your plate/glass” motif. My mother would give me money for lunch, but I never got it, because there was nothing at school I would eat. And once she started working nights, it was up to me to get my brother and I up in the morning, and breakfast became a meal of the past as well.

Once both parents worked food service night jobs, dinners turned into instant meals. So when/if I wanted anything. But after all that “Here is food, eat it all” I had no idea how to tell if I actually wanted something.

College, you eat when you have free time, whether you’re hungry or not. It seemed to be the easiest way you could be around people. So that’s what I did. Fortunately, I wasn’t around the drinking group.

But, now as an adult in my late 30s, I still struggling with this. I can go days without eating anything more than a bowl of cereal or have a cup of coffee and that’s all I drink until I take my nighttime medication. And during the 12 hour workday, I am hyper-focused on my task at hand. Hydration was the last thing on my mind.

I’ve tried the phone app where I count my water intake, but I just can never seem to find enough time in the day to drink that much water. And I’ve had times in the past where I’ve drank the water too quickly and developed hyponatremia. I’m afraid of that occurring again.

It’s the weirdest thing to try to work with and accommodate.